03 March 2009

Unabashed Queer's Fear: John Quinones is Lurkin'

You see your best friend's man kissin' on another bitch...
What Would You Do?
Teenage hoodlums are fucking up a car in a parking lot...
What Would You Do?
John Quinoes and his camera crew are monitoring and filming your reactions to uncomfortable situations only to air them on primetime television...
What the hell would you do?

This queer is in a state of fear. ABC News reporter (and the Eric Estrada of the news world), John Quinones and his "What Would You Do Team" (or, as I like to refer to them, the What Would John Quinones Do Team), are scouring the nation (but mostly the tri-state area) with a big moral compass leading the way just waiting to call your ass out on camera.

The WWJQD Team is staking out your local restaurants, gas stations, and parks, paying out-of-work actors to provoke unsuspecting you to react to "dilemmas" (as my TIVO Program Description says). When said dilemma has reached its sweltering peak, out springs John Quinones and the WWJQD Team from behind a fucking fern to let you know it was all a "social experiment," also known in academia as a mind-fuck.

I ain't taking any chances. From this point on I vow to live each day as if the WWJQD Team has planted a line-cutting decoy to provoke me at Trader Joe's.

I'll be over-compensating all over the place, offering up money to the beggars in front of the CVS on Glendale Boulevard. I will dump my purse out on the dirty sidewalk, sifting through my shit just to give them the half a Xanax and lint-covered gum at the bottom. I'll just give them my purse. Do they take VISA/MasterCard? Diner's Club?

If I spot an elderly woman hobbling unsteadily to her car, I will wrestle her keys out of her arthritic hand and hold her until the police arrive. I don't need some Sociology Professor from Brandeis University analyzing my behavior on network television.

John Quinones, you hunk of a man, I am offering my services to the WWJQD Team so you can get a taste of some raw, organic, all-American hatred. No need to provoke anyone. Follow me into any airport where I am uncouthly gawked at by passers-by, jaws dropping, children crying, pointing, laughing at me, as if they have never seen a man carrying an over-sized hot pink lined bag with "ISAAC MIZRAHI" emblazoned all over it. Or JQ, if Black Jack is your thing, follow me and my other unabashedly queer friend to Las Vegas, the bastion of civilized culture, where, in a 24 hour period, we had "faggot" yelled at us nine times. No need to have us kissing or fondling each other, our mere unabashed presence is enough to insight the common people.

While I enjoy parts of this million episode series and occasionally well up with tears at people's compassion, it is only one step above Tyra Banks going undercover in a fat suit to document the public's unabashed rudeness. And when did John Quinones become the moral police? He loves to call a bitch out or give them kudos. Doesn't he know that Tyra is a sworn-in moral police officer? What has he done for fat people and trannies lately? She made them models.

After multiple episodes of this shtick, I, for one, am ready to call it a day. How about some new episodes of Dateline NBC's To Catch A Predator. Let the entrapment begin!

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